Global Warming Debunked. Spoiler Alert: It’s clearly not real

How often do we see people campaigning for climate change out in the streets on busy afternoons holding banners and placards that say “We have only one earth, save it,” or something more modest like “Our planet is in the danger of global warming, and my ice cream is melting out in the sun.” Now we are nobody to comment on the choices our youngling make, but does the youth of this country really have to do this? Why don’t they invest their time in something that may help them build a proper future? Maybe they aren’t feeling the heat of the impending doom, ruined by the lack of ambition and drive to do something meaningful and leave a mark on the world.

Well, here’s the deal: Climate change isn’t real. It’s a liberal conspiracy perpetrated by Chinese Illuminati millennials because they are too lazy to get actual work done. Hence, they make up abstract concepts like depression and global warming to compensate for their sheer lack of skill and motivation.

Since we have taken to the task of debunking the myth and shedding some light (Ultraviolet to be precise) on the topic, let’s debunk Global Warming, interpret it, and suggest a few solutions to this pseudo-problem.

The last time I wandered out in the streets on a cool September afternoon, I saw this little boy Raju N.G.O-wala, complaining about the intense heat at this time of the year. Now, this generation, which believes in plastering their face with sunscreen, using mass transport to travel, and participating in weird rituals like carpooling, likes to complain a lot.

If you are reading this you liberal, khadi-wearing, chai addict, the pseudo-intellectual human equivalent of a pampered panda, let us put this straight.

Why are you complaining about the heat? A little sunshine never hurt anybody! Soak in that Vitamin D. Besides, if it is so hot why does snow exist, stupid? If water levels are rising (It’s hard to trust all these science types), we should be happy. With the number of droughts in this country, we could use a little H₂O. Maybe then we’d stop fighting over water.

So much for your activism, right?

“When you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself” – Deepak Chopra Quote Generator

Did no one else think about vested interests? No, we’re not talking about corporate interests that the youth seem to have such a problem with. We’re talking about scientists. Don’t they need money for their “research”? This is just a ploy to make sure they get funding for their inane projects. Why else would only 97% of them agree with climate change? What happened to the other 3%? HAH. Checkmate.

Now since we are talking about scientists and all the fuss they are creating about the issue; let’s discuss a very basic scientific theory put up by Charles Darwin.

Darwin woke up one morning and wrote down- “It is only the survival of the fittest, the rest are just worm food, and anybody who says this is wrong is a fool.” Now if we don’t dwell into the deeper intricacies of this statement, we can extract a very basic concept. The idea that living beings adapt to change with time, and those who fail to adapt, simply just die. So now we wonder, aren’t we supposed to evolve too? What’s the problem then? Bring out the barbeque, play some country music and evolve with the changing global climate. Why all the fuss when we are all in this together, in the same boat, evolving like Pokémons? What’s the need of renewable energy? Or a smaller carbon footprint? Didn’t your mama say that you are supposed to leave a mark on this world, my child?

This entire thing is a just a money-minting hoax. We’ve all figured out that “renewable” energy (The wind gives you energy? What next? The ocean?) is a gimmick designed to make Elon Musk rich. These young people are always droning on about how there’s no money and yet they want us to pay a carbon tax. How in God’s name am I supposed to pay for my 3 Range Rovers and central air conditioning if I’m wasting my money paying tax?

(Also, Leonardo DiCaprio is clearly lying about global warming. He’s an actor, come on.)

Last time we checked, humans aren’t facing extinction. Yes, multiple other species are in danger of being wiped out from the face of this earth. But honestly, who cares about jellyfish, anyway? The dodos died out and that didn’t make much of a difference. If this does not open your eyes and makes you say: Hah, you almost got me there my dude! Then let us tell you about a few fun DIY solutions to solve this problem (Which you fail to agree, is all in your head):

 

  1. Just put Thermocol on lakes and build roofs for dams to conserve water

If it never occurred to you, a large part of water just vaporizes into thin air, and if we save it, we can solve the problem. A simple layer of Thermocol can be used to cover the water surface. The white stronghold will never let the water escape into the air where all gases interact in a healthy atmosphere.

  1. Each person can donate what they can so that we can buy a huge tarp that can cover the Himalayas

Use #TARPit to spread awareness, Facebook filters are optional.This solves the problem of the melting glaciers while also acting as a makeshift shelter for all the Amarnath travelers.

  1. Honestly, there’s nothing a little positive attitude can’t fix

Introducing yoga into your daily routine while staying hydrated will definitely make you feel better about yourself. And as Gandhi once said, “If you want to change the world, start with yourself.” If you stay cool, the world stays cool.

It’s all about Live. Laugh. Love. Listen to John Lennon and let the #GoodVibes flow.

Now if we are done with this discussion, we’d like to take your leave. We hope this elaborate discussion helped you break some ice.

 

 

– Bhavna Subramanian and Peeyush Chauhan for MTTN.

Peeyush Chauhan

I like milk, apples, and lots of free time in order to do nothing on purpose. I like the way words work, and how you can play around with them to create a pretentious bio.

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