If Only You Knew

My childhood is a blur

Most memories faded

Yet, stamps remnants of emotions inside

Especially yours, only after death,

May it fade.


Writing about you feels silly.

For Words couldn’t possibly explain.

Impact of grand magic and simple beauty

The birth, life and death of which are at the apex of this 200000 years old game.


Goldfish memory failed to fail this time around, 

As your son is not religious, he still greets heaven every morning

As befitting, your least favourite portrait was the first to know about the ring. 

Horror movies, even with the quality decline, are still a Sunday family tradition;

And the rainy evening view of the lake, without the umbrella, now twice as before, is my favourite getaway.


Did you know? Your daughter is in love!  

I believe deeper than you were

Both of us, happy at work, like you always wanted, somehow find time daily for a call.

Of course, sometimes I put the phone aside while she rants over and over.

Dad walks on the treadmill daily, sometimes even outside. 

Genuinely tries but fails to eat less sugar

And at work laughs more than he shouts, surprising right?

Well, it is because your currently smug son has taken over. 


Oh, How I wish, 

That I could spoil you with everything; 

With or without asking; 

Just like in the dreams of every sleepless night you used to have.


I regret not asking about all the plans you had for my wedding,

I know you would have hated it, but crying was all I could do that day in front of your portrait. 

All relatives, even the distasteful ones, were invited to the reception just like you would’ve wanted. 

I know it’s impossible, but I still wish you could have met her once because I know seeing us together would make that day your happiest.


Through the ups and especially the downs 

I carry every lesson of yours because you were my wise one

I didn’t have a clear goal in life, but now I swear I try, 

For over ten years of trying to become a man, you would have been proud just naming your son.


You cried when I didn’t talk to you for unreasonable reasons

You forgave ignoring and sometimes even humiliation 

You couldn’t eat properly whenever I was sick

Some of your habits were seriously wrong, but it still does not make sense for someone like that to turn into mere narration.


The day I held her in my arms for the first time

And said your name for the infinite

All I wished for while kissing that forehead was that you could have held her too,

And that I love her at least a fraction of what her grandma would have. 


If heaven had visiting hours, I would have shown you pictures

Would have told you the spicy details

But before that, I would have asked for a hug, 

And maybe, a pat on the back, please, only if you feel I deserve one or two.


Hey Mom, if you only knew

How much I have grown

And how much I wish for a chance to say again, 

Thank You

For everything between your first and last renditions of

I love you.


Written By Nishant Choudhary for MTTN 

Edited by Aarthika Srinivasan for MTTN

Featured Artwork by Saumya Sharma for MTTN 

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