Diary Entry – 26.12.19
Diary! Diary! DIIIIARYYYYYYY!!!
As you must have figured by now, this has not been my most fulfilling year as Santa Claus. It sends jitters through my spine to think that this may even have been my worst performance of my career so far. Ha! One could say even lousy Andre would have managed to get his work done more efficiently than me. Yes! Lousy Andre! The one who has consistently bagged the ninth position among us Santa’s for the past 22 years he has been in the business.
But am I really the one to blame here? I mean who would have known that while we are relishing in the delight of having invented the dog detector, our sweet little Bobline sat holding its breath, ready to screech at the sight of me placing gifts? Boy did that make my blood run cold. Not to mention the fiasco with the fly-ins from Japan. One would think that the gift department in Japan would have an adequate supply of Japanese fans in their inventory if not an excess, right? But no, it was in desperate need to restock the one thing we were sure to find there. So clearly, I am not the one to blame for the delay in the arrival of the Japanese imports.
And honestly, could the management committee chill out for a little bit? It took me forever to rework the lists in compliance with the ever-changing set of rules.
Now I do admit that there was a minor goof-up between the nice and naughty lists but I think it’s quite understandable that at my age it is okay not to have eagle’s vision, right? I’ll be sure not to mention that to the missus considering how she’s practically been after my life to get my eye check-up done at Dr.McLeans’.
And don’t get me wrong but with the oh-so-sweet pollution and smog in North India, it is tough for me to frolic from house to house without an occasional puff from my medicinal inhaler!
I know I’m not supposed to invoke thy holy one’s name, but Jesus Christ, I’m screwed. You wanna know what’s worse? Rumour has it that just like children, even us Santas and the other Christmas employees will have a Nice and Naughty list! What if I’m at the bottom? What if I lose my brand new X10000 Sled with 7 Premium Reindeer?! Or worse… oh, much worse. What if I’m the one who has to deliver gifts at Naughtyville next year? Those pesky little brats always set up traps to catch us. Can’t their parents be normal and just tell them that Santa isn’t real??? Just take the credit yourselves! Stop making our job scenes from Mission Impossible movies!
Gaah. Guess I can wave the Bali vacation rahajeng memargi (that’s ‘goodbye’ in Balinese. Yes I learned the language. Yes I realize it’s absolutely useless now). Do you know who else will be saying that? THE MISSUS WHEN SHE HEARS THIS. Oh, this is worse than the time when my clothes didn’t dry in time and I caught a horrendous cold delivering gifts in them (in hindsight, it wasn’t the most ideal condition to handle gifts in). Aah, I guess I’ll just have to wait until tomorrow for the rankings to be out.
AAAAAAAAAH! I’M SAFE! THE RANKINGS ARE IN, AND I’M STILL 8TH!
Sweet potatoes, I’m glad. Thanks to Santa Joe, who made the silliest of errors. All the gifts that were addressed to kids named ‘Matthew’ went to kids named ‘Mathew’ instead! I guess the burger was named after him because boy is he sloppy. Also, not to mention, good ol’ Lousy Andre, who came 9th AGAIN. I can always count on him out-messing me. What did he do? Well, let’s just say staying unfit and forgetting to take the dog protection wasn’t a great combination. What’s more? Both of their Naughty lists weren’t reworked based on the new criteria for judging the kids! Oops, guess they’ll be more careful next year.
Phew, I guess the whole episode in Mumbai where Miss Elizabeth D’Souza mistook me for an intruder and me knocking over her fishbowl doesn’t matter anymore. I know I’m not supposed to talk about it, but hey, this is my diary. It’s not like anyone else is gonna be reading this. Right?
Anyway, guess who is going to greet Bali with a pleasant om suastiastu (Hah! It wasn’t a waste after all). Thank god this Christmas managed to be merry for me in the end.
Written by Ritik Talwar and Radhika Taneja for MTTN
Featured Image by Sara Dharmik